Passing Time and Notes
by evwannaB3
Summary: About the same as any notepassing story. I know it's horribly cliche'd... But it's about the only thing that motivates me to write right now. so here it is. Has an actual semi-plot. of the love between Bella and Edward...
1. Milk

_Bella. _Edward. Alice.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOO_

**Whats wrong Bella?**

_THE MILK IS SPILT! I REPEAT: THE MILK IS SPILT!_

Code red! Come on men, it's time to clean up this mess!

_It's actually spilt._

**So lets clean it up. Then you wont fall.**

_Yay Eddywarddy! :D_

**OKAY, STORY BEHIND THIS THEN. THIS MORNING, I SPILT MILK, WHILE I WAS MIXING MY COFFEE.**


	2. Unflowered

_**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. NOT THE PLOT. NOT THE FONT. NOT . OR TWILIGHT. THE ONLY THING I OWN ARE THE WORDS THAT THE CHARACTERS USE AND THE SENTENCES THEY SAY (AND ALL OF THE BOOKS WHICH ARE ON MY BOOKSHELF.) IF YOU NEED TO SEE A DISCLAIMER EVERY CHAPTER, JUST COME BACK TO THIS ONE TO REREAD IT.**_

_Bella. _**_Emmett. _Edward.**

_Oui oui mon amie._

_**You know what you just said, puny human?**_

_What Bam Bam?_

_**You said that Edward unflowered you.**_

_EDWARD!! Did you violate me in my sleep? Is that why my neck is sore this morning?_

**Bella. For one thing, your neck wouldn't be the only thing hurting. Two, I won't even let you- er-**

_**Bang him!**_

**When you're awake. Besides, Oui Oui mon amie means Yes yes, my beloved.**

**I JUST LIKE THE SAYING... :D**


	3. Forbidden Fruit

_Bella. Alice. _

_I love apples._

Why?

_Edward gave me an apple._

_Besides, apples were the forbidden fruit, correct?_

Uh. Yeah. I think so. Where are you going with this?

_Forbidden fruit is the best kind... Eve couldn't resist it. And Edward has a hard time resisting me! :D He should just stop and bite me already. I am the best though! Cuz I'm forbidden fruit! Yay!_

You finally read Adam and Eve?

_Of cousremundo!! :D _

_POTATOES!_

**OKAY. A CONVO BETWEEN MY BFF MACY AND ME AT LUNCH. TALKING ABOUT HOW I LIKED APPLES, CUZ THEY WERE ON THE COVER OF TWILIGHT. AND I WAS ALL LIKE, "BESIDES, THEY ARE THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT ARE THEY NOT?**

**THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND. EVE COULDN'T RESIST THE APPLE RIGHT?" AND SO, INSPIRED THIS CHAPTER. **

**AND POTATO, WAS THE CODE WORD FOR AN INSIDE JOKE THAT I'D RATHER NOT SHARE WITH THE WORLD...**


	4. Arguementative

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_You know. Eddywarddy. I lurve valentines day!_

**Since when?**

_Since someone gave me that heart-shaped coffee mug for christmas, duh!_

**Oh, right... How could I have forgotten? You were over the moon about it. And you don't even drink coffee.**

_And how do you know Mr. Sparkly-face?_

**I've known you for, well since junior year, and I have sat at your breakfast table every day. I KNOW you don't drink coffee.**

_How do you know I haven't changed my mind Mr. Sparkly-face?_

**You would've drank out of it by now.  
**

_You git. Ur such a killjoy._

**You know you're not British, right Bella?**

_How do you know?_

**Well, somebodies grumpy today.**

_NO I'M NOT. I just feel- I just feel- feel- uuuuh- arguementative! Grrr_

**Bella. You don't scare me. Do we have to have Carlisle sedate you again?**

_He's never given me a sedative before! What are you talking about, "again"?_

**You don't remember it do you?**

_Potatoes!_

**AND LONG LIVED, THE HEART SHAPED COFFEE MUG, THAT I GOT FOR VALENTINES DAY, THAT I DRINK OUT OF EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. I FELT, I OWED ALL OF MY COFFEE DRINKING TO THE MUG. :D**

**AND, THE OTHER DAY, I REALIZED HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE SEDATIVE. INTERESTING RIGHT?**


	5. Gluey Grapes

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Uck. Mr. Sparkly-face, I'm all sticky._

**And why would that be Bella?**

_Cuz I put body glitter on my arms, and everywhere else visible. And my eye stings! Waaah!_

**Why, may I ask, did you put glitter on yourself? And everywhere, I might add.**

_Cuz Alice said I look pretty with sparkles, and pretty made me think of beautiful, which made me think of you, which made me think of vampires. And I thought, I would finally be somewhat equal to you._

**Bella. My sweet, innocent, naive Bella. You'll never be equal to me. **

_Why? Even when I become a vampire?_

**Let me finish. You'll always surpass me by quite a lot, you even do right now. As a puny, little, human, with no strength. So easily breakable, you're fragile, but they are often, the things that are better. The breakables. You'll always be better than me, love.**

_Oh Edward. Thats so sweet. Thanks. But don't try to make me feel any better. I know, I'll never live up to the way a vampire should be._

**You don't see yourself very clearly, do you?**

_Not with this ucky stuff in my eye, it smells like grape. But it tastes like glue._

**How do you know what glue tastes like love?**

_I'd rather not talk about it. Shivers._

**Come on, Bella, lets get you better looking.**

_Follows Mr. Sparkly-face._

**TO PUT IT SIMPLY.**

**I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE DEAR EDDYWARDDY, SO I PUT ON BODY GLITTER ALL OVER THE VISIBLE PART OF ME.**

**AND IT GOT IN MY EYES.**

**IT WAS A PERFECT OPPORUTINITY FOR A FLUFFY MOMENT INSIDE A HUMOUROUS ONE, WELL, WHAT I THOUGHT WAS FUNNY ANYWAYS...**


	6. Cindy

_Bella._**Edward. Alice.**

**Erm. Bella. What happened to her head?**

_You mean Cinderellas?_

**Uh huh. **

_Well, she was annoying me, with her contortions with her neck. So I said, "off with her head." in my best british voice of course, and she was executed._

Poor poor Cindy.

_Now she holds her head in her lap._

**Ooh.**

_May she rest in piece._

**You mean peace.**

_Thats what I said._

**MY POOR, POOR, CINDERELLA JEWELRY BOX. HER NECK WAS ALL ANGLED FUNNY, SO I TRIED TO FIX IT. AND IT BROKE OFF. IT WAS ALL MY BROTHERS FAULT. WE CANT GET IT BACK ON,**

**SO WE'RE GONNA GLUE HER HEAD TO HER LAP,**

**MAY SHE REST IN TWO PIECES...**


	7. Bread

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Mr. Sparkly- face, you're such a meanie- butt!_

**What did I do?!**

_You smashed my bread! It was the best Fork's could get into their stores, and you went and squished it! Grr._

**Erm, I'm sorry?**

_Damn straight!_


	8. Mourning

**Edward**_**. **Bella. _Alice.

Edward, why is Bella sucking on a spoon?

**I have no idea. Do you expect me to read her mind all of a sudden, just because she went crazy?**

Okaaaaay then. Is it that time of the month?

**Growls.**

Okay. Lets just ask her shall we?

Bella. Why are you sucking on that spoon?

_I'm practicing being a vampire._

**Bell-**

_And, I keep forgetting, that it's not a straw... My caramel moo-latte is that good, Mr. Sparkly- face!_

**Still going on about your cup then?**

_Of course not._

**Just like Alice can't see the future any more.**

_I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Alice... Pouts. You want me to mourn with you?_

**THAT was sarcasm love.**

_Shakes her head. Whatevs._


	9. Bend And Snap!

_Bella _**Edward **Alice (K-Mart)

Whats Bella carrying in her hand?

**A guitar pick.**

Why?

_Cuz I'M taking lessons from Seth._

Seth?

_My teacher._

That teaches you guitar.

_Finally getting it eh? Nooooo! Mr. Pick, Mr. Medium Fender Pick, come baaaack!_

**Bella. Just pick it up.  
**

_How? He should come back to me._

Bend-

_And snap!_

**Well, that works too. Nice view.**

_Why thank you Mr. Sparkly-face! And do you want to consumate that comment?_

**Bella... Wait. At least until we're married.**

_But whhyyyy?_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ALL THE UGLY PURSES! MY EYES! THEY BURN LIKE THE THIRST!

_Alice, people are staring._

_**DEDICATED TO MY PROBABLY VERY FRUSTRATED GUITAR TEACHER SETH STRANGELASTNAME. :D SORRY I KEEP FORGETTING MY MUSIC. AND GUITAR STRAP... AND TO TRIM MY NAILS... LIKE YOU'D BE READING THIS ANYWAYS...**_


	10. Bones

Alice._ Bella. _**Emmett.**

Poor, poor Cindy.

Off went her head.

And now she is dead.

**We were too late to save her...**

**Now she's not sparkly like,**

_Mr. Spaaaaaaarkly-face!_

Mr. Become a nymphomaniac in his presence!

_Now thats not nice Lice! What did we talk about, calling people mean names?_

Sticks and stones won't break my bones, and words will never hurt me.

_Gah._


	11. Ass

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Mr. Sparkly-faaaaace!_

**Yes Bella?**

_How do you freakin switch Sims?_

**Why?**

_Cuz, I wanna be yours so you can make out with me!_

**Bella... Are you that obsessed**

_But your Sim isn't as pretty-ful ass you Mr. Sparkly-face._

**??**

_Ooops... AS. D:_

**What is that?**

_An emoticon/smiley :D The first one was a scandalized emotion..._

**Scandalized? Scandalized is an emotion. Does not compute...**

_No Mr. Sparkly-face, come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!_

He didn't really blow up Barbie.

_grrrr._


	12. Laid

_Bella. _**Edward. Emmett.**

_THE DAY NATE NATE GOT LAID!_

**Should I even ask?**

_Nate-Nate! From the song! In SIMS2 _

**Right... Ready for that sedative now?**

_Mr. Sparkly-face, I want your SIM to woo-hoo with mine!_

**In your Sims wet dreams! He's lasted 107 years, I'll think he'll last a little longer...**

_Pout._


	13. Quick interlude for the new gossip

Jessica _Angela _Lauren

Hola.

_Hello Jessica. Lauren._

Did you see Bella Swan's new ring?

Yeah. The size if that rock! The freakin thing is huge!

And her car!

Can you say gold digger?

_I don't think we should be talking about Bella like this... You remember what she was like when the Cullens moved away, and Edward broke up with her because they had to go to L.A.?_

Maybe she missed his bed.

_Lauren!_

She really pissed me off, when we went to Port Angeles to see that movie. And then to McDonalds afterwards. She was all like, ignoring me. And staring at these people at the bar acrossed the street. She talked to them. And she almost went inside!

_And when was that?_

January, February, or March or something like that. A couple of months before graduation. And then she started to hang out with that hot La Push boy. What was his name?

That freakishly tall dude?

Yeah thats the one!!

_You mean Jacob Black?_

Yeah. Sure. Whatevs... Anyways, the bells about to ring. Adios!


	14. Stupideth

_Bella-eth. _Alice-eth. **Edwardeth.**

washeth your noseth Bella-eth!

_noteth everyone-eth caneth be-eth vampire-eths liketh youeth._

**Whateth theeth helleth?**

_Remembereth oureth fieldtripeth?_

**nodeths**

_Andeth theeth stupideth storyeth thateth thateth dudeeth toldeth useth abouteth cleopatra andeth mark antony?_

**nodeths againeth.**

_Heeth saideth etheth ateth theeth endeth ofeth everyeth wordeth excepteth nameseth._

**sigheths.**

_**Yeaheth, we had a really stupideth dude telling us a really stupideth storyeth at the museumeth in sixtheth gradeth. and he said everything like thateth.**_


	15. Pure blondness

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_Bella liked the old seating chart better!_

Alice did too.

_Did Edward?_

**Of course!**

Theres no g yeah fine then.

_Bella thought "huh?"_

Lol.

**It was just a moment of pure blondness...**

_But shes not blond. Bellas confus-ed._

So how was your weekend?

_Not long enough... Had to come back with stupid seats... Besides, you already know don't you?_

Just being polite.

**Yeah. Politely unpolite.**

Whatever Edward.


	16. David

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_I miss Mr. Medium Fender Pick... But since he's gotten a new home inside of David the guitar, I've replaced him with Mr. Blue Medium Taylor Pick. :D_

**What about me Bella?**

_What about you?_

**Don't you love me? First that stupid mongrel, and now your guitar picks!  
**

_How many times must we go over this Mr. Sparkly- face? I chose you over him. You should be happy about that._

**Yeah. Because you're more addicted to me than you love me**

_Thats the end of it Edward!_

**But**

_Thats final!_

_  
__**AN: SO i WAS READING THIS ARTICLE ABOUT BREAKING DAWN, AND i'M A BIT**_

_**CONCERNED ABOUT WHATS GONNA HAPPEN.**_

_**THE FRICKIN HOVERING RED PAWN.**_

_**WHICH STEPHENIE MEYER DESIGNED HERSELF.**_

_**WHICH i'M AFRAID SIGNIFIES JACOB BLOODY BLACK.**_

_**SHE BETTER HAD NOT MAKE BELLA CALL OFF THE FREAKIN WEDDING...**_

_**SO YEAH.**_

_**STARTED OUT A BIT LIGHTHEARTED HERE RIGHT?**_

_**I HAD TO HAVE THEM ARGUE.**_

_**THEY NEED A REALISTIC RELATIONSHIP.**_

_**AND THEY CAN'T JUST HAVE THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP EVERYONE GIVES THEM IN THESE THINGS.**_

_**THEY'RE GOING TO FIGHT LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE.**_

_**BELIEVE IT OR NOT**_

_**MY NOTE PASSING THING HAS A BIT OF A PLOT LINE.**_

_**SORRY FOR THE LONG AN.**_


	17. Aliz

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_snorts._

_Ow._

_My back itches._

lol. then scratch it. I just remembered how I spellt my name when I was a newborn.

_I got an awesome tat from a strawberry poptart box the other day. I'm saving them so I can look... er... tough._

**eye roll.**

_I didn't know you were here Edward!_

**Well I am!**

_the one I got had a strawberry poptart about to jump into a toaster that said to the moon._

**How stupid could they get?**

_I'm hungry now._

lol. when i was a newborn i spelt my name Aliz.

_Boy you were stuuuuuuupid! XD_

lol.

**Alice?**

HEY!!


	18. Frontage

_Bella. _**Edward**

_Hey sparkly-face?_

**Yes Bella?**

_Whats the name of the street you live on?_

**I... don't... know... D: I suppose you could call it frontage.**

_Awesome._

**Why?**

_I'm trying to figure out your soap opera name. I here christen you, Anothony Frontage!! I am Marie Frontage._

**You don't live with me yet!**

_I might as well. I spend all of my time there._

_**AN:**__**Okay. So those were some awful waffles. But I've been uninspired. Nothing funny has happened in my life recently. Unless you count the fact when I found out that in SIMS 2 the second players' diamond is blue!!**_


	19. Do It!

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_You can do it put yo back into it!!_

**I can do it? Whats it?**

_You can do it put yo a into it!_

**Do what?**

Now do it! now do it! now do it do it do it!!

**Do what?**

_You can do it put yo back into it!_

**I can do what**

_Put yo a into it!!_

_Put yo a into it!_

_Now do it... Now do it... Do it do it do it._

**Do what?**

_I dunno. I just have the song stuck in my head. MCLOVIN!!_

_I want to see that movie so bad!! Why can't I Eddywarddy?_

**Because Charlie feels it would make you even crazier.**

_A couple of teenagers having sex at a party. psha_

**He doesn't want you to have ideas. And personally, I don't blame him.**

_That hurt right in my heart!!_

**Thats your aorta. Your heart is below your breast.**

_rotflm.lol._

**What?**

_You said breast!!_

_**AN: I HAVE THAT ridiculus SONG IN MY HEAD!! AND IT WON'T GET OUT!! ROTFLM is ROLLONG ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MANIACALLY!! oh. yeah. I don't own that song. I don't know who does, but sure as hell, I don't.**_


	20. BD

_**AN: BD SPOILERS AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ BD.**_

_**DISCLAIMER: It's that time of the year, that I know you all dread. We once again realize we're not Stephenie Meyer. And I have too. Obviously I own NO amount of TWILIGHT whatsoever. or NEW MOON. Or ECLIPSE. And most definately not BREAKING DAWN. Be sure to READ my AN at the bottom of the chapter!! ON WITH THE STORY!!**_

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_er. erm. hola._

**What the hell Bella?**

_I just read Breaking Dawn!!  
_

**And??...**

_People are being soo mean to it!! I thought it was good..._

_And I wish I had a Renesmee!!_

**Erm... Bella... Renesmee doesn't exist.**

_I know! BUt I felt my maternal love for the my fictional daughter! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!_

Hey Edward, just get her pregnant.

**NO!! If thats how everythings gonna play out, then I'd, ask Jacob to sleep with her yuck!**

**I don't mind sleeping with her, mind you, but what if I **_**do **_**get Bella pregnant?**

_I don't mind!! _

**Of course you don't don't, **_**mon ami.**_

_You are so mocking!! It sounds like you're mocking BD too!! But I loved it!!_

**Erm.. I have to go. By love. Alice.**

_**AN: So there you go. My thoughts on BD. I loved it. Even if it was OOC. So was this.**_

_**So get your heads out of your butts and stop thinking Stephenie Meyer was on crack!!**_

_**I think the book was wonderful. And if you don't like it,**_

_**Get over it,**_

_**And don't bash it here.**_

_**A fanfiction site is a place for praise **_

_**for novels (and other stuff, such as manga, anime, movies and such).**_

_**I loved it.**_

_**Don't make a fanfiction totally bashing the thing when it's just come out,**_

_**And some people on here have yet to read it.**_

_**They should make their own decisions.**_

_**Think whatever you want.**_

_**Your opinion is yours,**_

_**But you should not tell people your theory that**_

_**SM was on CRACK!!**_

_**GET OVER IT.**_

_**Sorry. If that rant hurt your feelings. Actually, I'm not!! FLAME me all you want. I don't care.**_


	21. Dirty Simbrero

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice

Wazzup Bella?

_3 turns should do it._

**What?**

_Mars is bright tonight._

**Aaaah. I knew we shouldn't have let her read Harry Potter Alice.**

_brb._

**Where is she going??**

To get a large hat.

**Why?**

You'll find out.

**The only large hat in the house is Emmett and Rosalie's sombrero. You can probably guess what they do with it.**

Then close your eyes.

**Why?**

_I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. ba ba bum ba bum bum bu bu bum bum (to be read in the witch of the wests theme)_

_Here you go Mr. Sparkly-face!!_

_**NARRATIVE POINT OF VIEW STARTS NOW **_

Bella put the sombrero on Edwards head. And closed her eyes as she spoke. But it wasn't her voice that came out, it was an old mans.

"Ah. Plenty of courage I see (has to come with your species eh?) Lots of brains. Loyal to a fault. And very very sneaky." And then the mans voice got louder as he screamed. "HUFFLEPUFF."

"Oh God." Edward mumbled.

"I heard that Edward." Bella's voice was back, and her eyes were open. "Such blasphemy you commit!!"

"MY TURN!!" Alice screamed excitedly.

"Alice, do you remember where that hat has been?"

Alice recoiled. "Eeeeeeeeeeeew."

Bella looked at Alice questioningly. "Thats the hat that Rosalie and Emmett use." Bella dropped the hat as soon as she processed it in her head, and ran to the bathroom all the while screaming for disinfecting soap.


	22. SOUP O' ZE DAY!

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_Lol._

**What?**

_I peed on Charlie's chicken noodle soup!!_

**WHAT?**

Aye. I watchedeth her do it. In a vision of course.

**Why did you pee in Charlie's chicken noodle soup?**

_I had to go really really bad..._

**That bad?**

_Where else would I go?_

**In the toilet!**

_But I did go in the toilet..._

**Then how did you pee in Charlie's chicken noodle soup?**

_He doesn't like brothe. So he dumped it into the toilet._

**:O**

_YEAH, O._

_**AN: I PEED ON MY GPA'S CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP. JUST THE WAY BELLA DID ON CHARLIES. AND THE SAME REASON.**_

_**LOL.**_

_**SNORT.**_

_**ROTFLM.**_

_**ROTFLMAO.**_

_**ROTFLMBO.**_

_**ROTFL.**_

_**HAHAAAAAA!**_


	23. Fluffy moment!

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_Mr. Sparkly-face... I'm sad._

**Why?**

Cuz Charlie is sending her to camp for a week. In the outdoors.

_He thinks I'll get over you and postpone the wedding. Though I am 18. Apparently I am a counselor... D: It is BLASPHEMY!!_

**How did I not know this?**

_You just got back from hunting._

_Der!!_

**Nodding. How long until you leave?**

_Tomorrow morning..._

**I will drop you off.**

_Yay!! It's an hour away!!_

_And then we take a plane, and go to god knows where Kansas!! Where the deer. And the antelope range!! Where seldom is heard, there is one single word, and are my lyrics correct?_

**er... I think it's slightly off.**

_Bye Alice._

What?!

_I want my damn alone time with Edward!!_

Geez. Have fun!!

_Why do I suddenly dread how she left?_

**She had a vision. But she won't show me them. She's blocking her mind. growl.**

Snarl.

_Hold me Edward!!_

**As long as you want, love.**


	24. Molten

_Bella. _**Edward. **Non note passing.

_Bye Edward._

**Bye Bella.**

_Can you come with me?_

**You know I can't...**

_Pleeeeeeeease?? Pwease?_

**I can't. It's in the 100s this week. It'll be too sunny, love.**

_And I thought you could do everything!! hmph!!_

**Oh come on Bells. You know you don't mean that. dazzle dazzle. molten molten.**

_grr. You cheater. Bye I love you!!_

And they began to kiss.

_**awwwwwwwwww. the fluff has started finally eh? I've got some great ideas for the next few chapters. Though some might not be notes... You know. You don't have much time to write at camp. lol.**_


	25. Buzzy

_Bella._**Edward briefly.**And the mean lady with a buzz cut. And then Bella talks. And Edward talks!

_Blasphemy!! A#&!! Mean lady!! I don't want to take it off!! You can't make me take my engagement ring off!!_

**You're just writing that for me love, aren't you??**

_I like Elizabeth's ring!! pout. make her let me keep it!!_

**Alright love.**

_hahaaaaaaaaaaa!!_

_I have him wrapped around my frail finger!!_

**I saw that!!**

_mmmmmmmmmmmm!! sticks tongue out._

"Take your ring off young lady!!" The mean lady with a buzz cut said.

"No way Jose!!" Bella cried petulantly.

"My fiancee will be allowed her ring!!" Edward insisted.

"No. It's against the rul-" At that moment, buzzy looked up. Bella could practically hear her heart rate speed up. Buzzy blushed, and quickly looked down. "Might as well. The group you're leading is 7. Make sure you have everything set up." She glared at Bella, but then looked at Edward and batted her eyelashes.

"Ew." Edward whispered. Bella giggled when he said that.


	26. Spiders

_Bella. _**Featuring Shorty. **And Tia.

_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Argh!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer! Urgh!!_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"Whats wrong Bella?" Tia asked.

"THERES A SPIDER!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ITS GONNA KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL ME!!"

Shorty comes over and grabs one of Bella's shoes, and squishes the big fat ugly hairy spider on Bella's bunk.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! BABY SPIDERS ARE ALL OVER!! EEEW EEEW EEW EEEW EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! THEY'RE CRAWLING ALL OVER!! TOWARDS ME!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

Shorty squishes them too. Squish squish squish squish. All of the other girls were laughing at Bella hysterically. After seeing her and Edward together, they seemed like Buzzy. They didn't like her.

_I will never be the same._

You'll get over it!

_No I won't. The world is too full of spiders. I'll never be the same._

**Was it so hard to kill the spider?**

_Yes. I was frozen in fear._

**You're our counselor.**

_?? Whats your point?_

_..._


	27. Love

**Edward. **_Bella._

**Bella, love, you're home!**

_Edward! I missed you!_

**Alice had a vision of your spider incedent.**

_*Blush.*_

**Poor Bella.**

_I love you Edward!_


	28. The Shiz

_Bella. _**Edward. **Rosalie.

_I'm tired of Rosalie. She thinks she is the shiz._

**The shiz?**

_Like, the shiz, the shiznitz, the best, everything that matters?_

**Okaay.**

I heard the scratching of your pencil human! I AM the shiz! I am!

_See what I mean?_

I HEARD THAT!


	29. Horizons

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Hey Mr. Sparkly-Face._

**Hello Bella.**

_Have you read that fanfiction by Megsly? It's called _Horizons.

No Bella. Unlike you, I don't read about how people imagine our lives different because they think we're fictional.

_Grr. Well you should. See- you died. And then you were reincarnated as a human! Benjamin Cheney II! And Nessie knows you're her father._

**It sounds like one of Esme and Emmett's soap opera's Bella!**

_But it's better! And our acting is totally convincing! Plus I'm a vampire! :D For the Volturi! And they're after you!_

That doesn't sound very fun. . .

They kidnap you! So Rosalie and Svana-

**Who is Svana?**

_I am Svana. Now stop interrupting. So Rose and Svana (*coughmecough*) go to rescue Benward from them in Italy. Oh and Jacob imprinted on Nessie so they're both AWOL._

Gah. That's all I have to say Bella.

READ IT! READ ITTTTT! You know you want to! Like I vant you to suuuck my blooood!

That was uncalled for.

'_Tis true Mr. Sparkly-face. It's too early in the morning to be talking so seriously. Can you please make me some coffee?_

**What cup do you want?**

_Yay!!! I don't know. The heart mug or the brown mug or my new shiny flowery thermos? The thermos will hold more. I'll take it._

Okay love. Ill make some for you. I lurve you Edward-y! 

_**AN: WHO SAID I WAS ABANDONING THIS STORY? ANYWAYS THE SCHOOL YEAR WAS KINDA FILLED. I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME TO COME UP WITH FUNNY STUFF. I HAD PLAY PRACTICE AND SOCCER PRACTICE AND I HAD HOMEWORK AND I HAD VIOLIN AND TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE FOR **__Annie __**BUT I'M NOT ABANDONING THIS. THE UPDATES MAY BE LESS FREQUENT. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS THIS TIME LAST YEAR. AND THIS YEAR I'M A FRESHMAN SO I MIGHT NOT BE ON NEARLY AS MUCH AS I WAS THIS SUMMER. I AM NOT ABANDONING IT LIKE SOME REVIEWERS SEEM TO THINK. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REVIEW THOUGH! TELL ME IF I SHOULD DELETE THIS AWFUL CHAPTER!**_


	30. The Waitresses

**Edward. **_Bella._

_I know what boys like! I know what guys want!_

**Bella. Why are you singing that ridiculous 80's song?**

_I see them looking. I make them want me. I like to tease them. They want to touch me. I never let them. Except for you Edward. _

**Seriously? The Waitresses?**

_I watched 80's Videos A-Z yesterday with Alice when she babysat me._

**That explains so much.**

_Alice says she misses the 80's._

**Alice also misses dancing at speak-easies.**

_I would miss that, too._

…

_**I don't own 80's Videos A-Z. Or I Know What Boys Like by The Waitresses.**_


	31. Desperately Seeking Susan

**Edward. **_Bella. _Alice.

I know what boys like I know what guys want!

**Not this again.**

_Ha. Ha. Mwahahaha!_

**So is Charlie still taking you to the lodge for dinner?**

_Yesh. Sigh. I'm tired of the cobbler there._

But Bella. Charlie has a surprise for you!

_Me no likey the surprises._

**Ha. Ha. Mwahahaha!**

What happened to Van Halen's music video of Oh, Pretty Woman? What is with the dwarf's and the lady tied up?

**Still stuck on the 80's.**

_I'm gonna be Madonna for Halloween!_

**Sigh. What am I to do with you?**

I wanna look like Madonna did in Desperately Seeking Susan.

_**No ownage of Madonna, Desperately Seeking Susan, Oh Pretty Woman, or Van Halen. Or I Know What Boys Like.**_


	32. Dear Edward

_Dear Edward,_

_Since you are hunting right now, I will write you a letter. As you know, I am hanging out at Jessica Stanley's for the night. As you might suspect, it is absolute torture. So what am I doing here, you ask?_

_I am here because otherwise Angela would be completely lonely, and she's a decent person. Sadly, the only reason I was able to escape and write this to you is because I pled my need to use the restroom._

_Right now I am sitting in the bathtub, with the bathroom door locked. I have the curtain pulled closed. Her bathroom is ugly, Edward. They have a fluffy pink toilet seat cover. I don't know if that is what disturbs me most or the fact that she has a Justin Bieber poster on the wall across from the toilet._

_So Alice isn't here. And she drove off very quickly in her Porsche. She knew what was about to happen._

_Oh crap, Jessica needs to use the bathroom!_

_Pray for me,_

_Bella._


	33. Dear Bella

Dear Bella,

Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me? They're going to give you a makeover. And make you watch While You Were Sleeping, When Harry Met Sally, 27 Dresses, and they are still deciding on whether or not to watch Cinderella. They are going to subject you to Truth or Dare, Facebook, modeling, and the Taylor Swift camera. Oh- and cheesy 80's music.

I have to go now. You're here. You'll never notice me slip this into your bag. HA!

Lovelovelove,

Alice


	34. Tuve sueño Terrible

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_GASP._

**What? What's wrong love?**

I had the most terrible dream last night. Tuve sueño terrible.

**What was it love?**

I had a dream that all of this- us- was a dream. And that I died. And you never existed when I woke up in my dream.

Intense.

Very.


	35. Eyebrows

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_Hahahahahah!_

Whaht?

**Bella love, have you had too much coffee again?**

_No. I just realized something._

**What?**

_I've finally mastered the art of raising only one eyebrow! Mwahahahahahahahaah! Oops. Didn't mean to put two A's there at the end. I could just erase it- but it's whatever._

**Are you sure you haven't had too much coffee?**

Or egg nog?

_Seriously! Watch!_

**Good job, love.**

So proud of you Bells!

_Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! :)_


	36. bIRDS

_Bella. _**Edward**. Alice.

_Right birds can fly so high and they can poop on your head and they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared _

But then you look at them! And you see that they're beautiful...

_That's how I feel about Ed. That's how I feel about Ed. :)_

**Kate Nash again, Bella?**

_Yessiree Bobbers :D_

I lurve Kate Nash :)

_All that mat-tuh in the wurld is how much I like you. And she said- whuht?_

And he said "here let me try ahnd explayn agayn.

**That's not a very nice rendition of the British accent.**

_But it's Kate's accent!_

Durh- Edwahd.

**ROAR.**


	37. Meniscus

_Bella. _Alice. 

_Oh! I gotta pee!_

What a human.

Time passes.

_Ouchie._

What?

_I just discovered it really hurts to run with a torn meniscus. _

I bet.

_We laughed... but when I look at it on paper, it doesn't seem too funny._

It's funnier when you're in our pants._  
_


	38. Kisses

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_This is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night..._

**Aw, I forgive you for trying to seduce me, love.**

_I was just singing you jerkface!_

**Rude.**

_Wanna kiss? It'll make me all better._

**um. no. not after that.**

_Come on. Pwease?  
_

**Let me think about this... No.**

_Edwarrddd._

**No. That's final.**

_:(  
_


	39. Back to December

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_I miss your tan skin your sweet smile so good to me so right_

**YOU MISS JACOB?**

_It's a song!_

**TAN SKIN!**

_You left me Edward! I can't help missing him! I'm freaking sorry! I still love you more! I just... miss him. Argh!_

_I said I'm sorry! And it's just a freaking song! It's a great melody! And I love you more!_

**I love you too, Bella. I'm sorry for overreacting.**

_I'm sorry for not thinking of the words when I started singing._

**I'm sorry.**

_I'm sorry._

**I love you!**

_I love you!_**  
**


	40. Fun

**Jasper. **_Bella. _

_Omnomnom._

**Hey Bella, you have some white stuff on your mouth.**

_Huh?_

**How'd that get there?**

_Uh..._

**You and Eddykins have some fun, FINALLY?  
**

_O__h yeah,__ you know it ;)_

_**Authors note: whipped cream, perverts xD**  
_


	41. Dear Diary

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_Dear Diary,_

_I asked Edward to turn me again today. But he rejected the idea again. We're getting married in a few weeks, he'd better get used to the idea of me as a vampire... a beautiful vampire._

**Bella, you're being ridiculous.**

_It wasn't very nice to snatch my diary away like that. You shouldn't have done that. It was rude._

Since when does he care about being rude?

_This is true... I have some thinking to do._

**Love, come back!**

You'll have to say it out loud, she can't hear which marks mean what.

**Love!**

Try again.

**Urgh.**


	42. I'm Phoebe Buffay!

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_I love Friends!_

Me too.

_Which one do you think I'm most like?_

Phoebe. Definitely Phoebe. 

_Oh. yeah. That makes sense... You're like Monica. High strung, likes to shop, dark hair, pale skin, dates older guys (with the exception of Chandler,) and you are high-strung!_

Well then. If that's how you feel.

_Edward is like Ross!_

Hahahahaha! Except he studies humans instead of dinosaurs!

_Hey! Maybe Tanya's a lesbian!_

Hahahahaaha.

_Maybe that's why she tried to seduce him so much! To convince herself!_

Hahahahahaha! This has gotta be true. Wanna ring her up?

_Hecka!_

**No one is ringing Tanya up to ask her if she is a lesbian.**

_But... But Eddywardy!_

**That's final.**

Edwarddddd!

_He is like Ross. Ugh._


	43. Tanya & Maria

_Bella. _Alice. **verbal**

Psst. Edward's gone. Let's ring up Tanya.

_Alright xD_

**Ring ring ring.**

**"Hello?"**

**"Hi. Is Tanya there?"**

**"This is her."**

**"We were wondering if you're a lesbian."**

**"Who is this?"**

**"Just an old friend."**

**"Is this Irina? I told you I don't want to talk about it! You broke my heart for Laurent!"**

**"Actually, this is Alice..."**

**"Oh...! In that case! I didn't mean what I said!"  
**

**"I can hook you up with someone."**

**"Who?"**

**"Her name is... Maria."**

_Hehehehe._

**"Alright... do you have her number?"**

**"No, but I can tell you where she will be in a week."**

**"Where?"**

**"She'll be in Alaska, actually. She's on her way back to Texas from Russia."**

**"Thanks Alice, I knew there was a reason I liked you."**

**"I'm just awesome like that. Well I've gotta go give a human a makeover. Bye!"**

**"Bye!"**

_Is Maria really a lesbian?_

No.

_Hhahahahaha!_

She was on her way to bug Jasper.

_Good job, Al._

Thank you :D_  
_


	44. Corruption

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

**Bella! Alice! What did I tell you!**

_Umm... not to seduce you?_

**Try again.**

That Tanya is a lesbian?

**Close. But no cigar.**

_Not to call Tanya?_

**Right! And what did you do? You called her, and set her up with Jasper's ex who is not a lesbian!**

You never know, Edward.

_whimper._

**It's alright love. You were persuaded by Alice, and you didn't do the actual calling.**

Excuse me, Mister?

**You read me!**

_Read? As in passed tense or present tense? And ahahahaha. Instead of "heard" it's "read"_

**Oi vay. Why did you corrupt her?**

It's part of the job description.

**I'll deal with you later.**


	45. Marshmallows & Jello Shots

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Hiiiiii Sparklyyyfaceeeeee._

**Bella?**

_Thaaaats mahhh nameeee don't wear it outttt_

**Love? Are you... intoxicated?**

_Whahats that mean?_

**You've been drinking.**

_Oh! Yeaaahah! I went to Mike's houseee. And he gave me these yummy jello things... what'd he callllll em?_

**Jello shots?**

_Yehhhh! Then he tried to kisssss meh. But I said "get away Mike! You'reeeee suchhhhhhhhhh a marshmallow!"_

**What'd he say?**

_He saiddddd "No I'm notttt. I'm a man. A BIG STRONG MAN!"_

**Are you sure?**

_That's what my brainnnnn tellls meh._

**What a wank.**

_What'sssss a wank?_

**Nothing, love. Nothing. Go to sleep.**_  
_


	46. Teriyaki

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_Euraghck!_

Noooo!

**What's wrong?**

_My shirt! Eet ees ruined!_

I think we may still be able to salvage it! Get me a stain remover! Quick! 

_Can you? I don't want it to smell like teriyaki forever! _

I sure hope so! I'll do my best! Go wait in the waiting room!

_I lurve you shirt! Do your best to live!_

**What's wrong?**

Bella spilled teriyaki on her Paramore shirt.

**:( Yakisoba?**

_Yeh :'(_**  
**


	47. Agony Aunt

_Bella. _**Confused Skeptic**

**Dear Aunt Isabella, **

**As you are an expert on Twilight, I need some information. What do the Cullen's do when Bella is on her period? Stephenie Meyer thought that was too gross a question.**

**Love, Confused Skeptic**

_Dear Confused Skeptic, _

_Bella uses a tampon, and the Cullen's don't smell it nearly as potently._

_Love, Aunt Isabella  
_


	48. Archie McPhee

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward**

_Ohmigoodness! We've gotta go there!_

Where? Oh.

**Archie McPhee and Co.? Why?**

_They've got bacon product! Coffee flavoured floss! Fairy stuff! Awesome trash cans! Handerpants!_

Did you know that pig blood actually tastes like bacon?

_Really? Yes!_

**Yes. You just can't have it often, as people notice when their pigs are drained of blood.**

_Let's go! it's in Seattle!_

But it's so garish!

_Let's go! L__et's go! Let's go! _

**Just take her. This is the only time she'll beg you to go shopping.**

Huff. Alright.


	49. Pizza

_Bella. _Alice.

_I'm throwing my pizza dough into the air! Please please please miss my hair! Land in my hand! Pizza pizza pizza oof._

Hhahaha.

_**IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL ,IT LANDED IN HER HAIR. REVIEW!**  
_


	50. The Marshmallow Returns

_Bella. _**Edward. **Mike.

_Goo away!_

But Bella, I'm a man! A big strong man!

_Edward is stronger! You're a marshmallow!_

You give me no choice. Whomp!

_Whha? Where am I?_

Now Bella, listen carefully. You are going to kiss

**Get your hands off my girl!**

Oh! I'm scared!

**I can break your neck!**

Yeah right, Cullen.

**Snap.**

_Oh Edward! I love it when you get heroic!_

**Can you stop putting yourself into these situations though?**

_Hopefully... Is he gonna be alright?_

**Maybe...**_  
_


	51. Jasper Will Not Join Your Threesome!

_Maria. _Alice. **Tanya.**

**Thank you so much, Alice. Maria is a doll.**

Crickets.

_Yes, I realized Tanya's perfect._

So you don't want Jasper anymore?

_Of course I do. For a threesome._

**Hehehe.**

Ew. Not happening.

**Pwease?**

No! Go away!**  
**


	52. Knights Are Jank

_Bella._ Alice. **Edward.**

**So the knight can move in an L shape.**

_Are you sure? That sounds a little jank._

**Yes. Do you want to play chess or not?**

_You're the one who wanted me to learn._

**Pshhh**

_It's true._

Tis her truth

**Not more Friends! Read this book alright? Bye.**

_Comprehensive Chess Course Volume I. Learn Chess in 12 Lessons. Phooey. _**  
**


	53. SIYE

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_Hmm... I think I'll go on SIYE._

**Are you still obsessed with Harry Potter?**

_Not obsessed! Just... mildly interested._

Mildly interested my sight!_  
_


	54. GOAL!

_Bella. _Emmett.

_Go Edward! It's ya birthday! You can dewwwww it! You can score, Sparkly Face! Gooo! GOAL!_

What can he score?

_Me, of course. And a goal._


	55. Honey I'm Home

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward. **_Young Bella._

**Bella, love?**

_Yes, she asks her boyfriend worriedly._

**Can we see some home videos of your when you were a child?**

_No! Nosirreebobbers! Absolutely not!_

Too late! Let's watch! *presses play*

_Honey I'm home! My head is killing me! I need to relax! Watch TV! Get off the phone! Give the dog a bone! Hey! Hey! Honey I'm home!_

Aww! You're so cute with your lipstick and Shania clothes!

_Shut up Alice._

**I think you're adorable, love. *kisses forehead***

_Mush._**  
**


	56. Hoarders

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Ugg._

**What's wrong, Love?**

_When I get back, Charlie is making me clean my room._

**Well it is starting to look a little disgusting.**

_It looks fine!_

**Have you ever seen Hoarders?**

_Yes._

**Well, that's how its starting to look.**

_No way, Jose!_

**Yes way, Monet!**_  
_


	57. Dartmouth

_Bella. _**Edward.**

**Bella, why don't we go to Dartmouth in the fall, instead of changing you?**

_No! *stomps foot* I wanna be changed! I can always go to college in like... ten years!_

**Bellllllllaaaaaa**

_Have you ever wanted to call Dartmouth Dart-Mouth? Cause I have. Then I start thinking of the tongues of Poison Dart Frogs. Then I think of the zoo. Hey! Can we go to the zoo?_

**Sure *he says grudgingly* let me get the rest of the clan.**_  
_


	58. A Webby Wedding

_Bella. _**Edward. **Priest. **_AUDIENCE_**

This is a little unorthodox.

_We're unorthodox._

**Sigh. My sister and Bella planned this.**

Why do you want this done in a chat room, with everyone watching a webcast in the other room?

_That way it can still feel private- like it's just us. But the guest won't feel deprived of wedding... and in case I trip._

Oh alright

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY...

**I DO**

_I do..._

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE

_Smoooooooooochh_

**BELLA!**

_Hehe. Kiss meh, Cullen!_

Aww! I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU, MAN & KLUTZ 

_REALLY DUDE, REALLY?_

MY BAD- MAN & WIFE

_**APPLAUSE**_


	59. Olivia

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Hahaha it's a piggeh._

**Why on Earth did Alice get you a Squishy Piggy as a wedding gift?**

_1) It's cute and squishy 2) It's PURPLE 3) It looks like it's gonna splat, but doesn't!_

**I'm going to laugh when it does.**

_*hugs piggy close* You will not harm Olivia!_

**Olivia...?**

_After the TV show..._

**That's a children's channel!**

_Aren't we all children at heart?_

**Um... yes?**

_That's what she said!_

**Whatever. It's gonna be a long flight.**_  
_

****


	60. I'm Preggo!

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Bite meh! Bite meh! Bite meh!_

**Fine!**

_Arghhhhhh! IT BURNSSS!_

**I didn't even inject venom into you. Or break skin...**

_I know that._

**Placebo?**

_No!_

**This is ridiculous!**

_Your butt is ridiculous!_

**Heh?**

_Ridiculously hotttt, that is. Btw, I'm preggo._

**Do you want to keep it?**

_Yeah._

**You sure?**

_Yes._

**I'm there for you, love.**

_Hhahahaaha! I was only joking! I'm baby free!_**  
**


	61. Vampirism is like Tripping

_Bella._ **Edward.**

_Woah! Dude! It feels like I'm tripping!_

**Yeah. Welcome to eternity.**

_Don't get grumpy with me, Eddywarddy!_

**pout.**

_Let's go catch grizzlies!_

**Alright, love.**

_You're freaking about my eyes, aren't you?_

**No, not at all.**

_Don't lie to meh, Sir Sparkles Alot!_


	62. Oliver

_Bella. _**Edward. **Paramore.

This is how we'll dance when…

_Headbang headbang headbang_

_Noooooooooo!_

**What's wrong love?**

_Olivia lieeeeed to me!'_

**How?**

_Olivia has a penis! Olivia is an Oliver!_

**Oh. Er. I'm sorry, love.**


	63. Yessir

_Bella. _Alice.

_You know what I miss?_

What?

_Hahaha you're it! Oh… and I miss pain meds._

Gar. I bet. They made you seem even loopier than when you're sober.

_They made me feel floaaaaatyyyyyyyyyy. Dreamy. Like I'm on a cloud…_

Remembering the percocet?

_Ah yessir._


	64. The One With The Morning After

_Bella. _Alice. _Jasper._

_Nooooo!_

What's wrong?

_Ross cheated on Rachel with Chloe the Copy Girl!_

Well… they were on a break.

_But… why would he… it's not… Ross belongs with Rachel!_

I know. We should mourn their relationship.

_I don't want it to dieeee!_

Wahhhh.

You are wreaking havoc on my head.

Sorry Jazzy.

_Yeah sorry Jazzysper. But would you understand if you watched this episode?_


	65. Proud Family

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_I love me some Proud Family._

Why?

_It's one of the shows of my childhood._

Okay… we didn't have shows in my childhood.

_Cause you're a dinosaur._

Le gasp!

_You know I love you more than anybody else._

More than Edward?

_Erm… almost. But not quite._

**Yeyah!**


	66. Drugged Sluts

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_When am I allowed to go back to school?_

**In about a year or two.**

_That long?_

**We don't want you murdering the sluts.**

_Why would I murder them?_

**Drugged blood makes you high.**

_Really? Let me at em! Jk_

**I was just kidding too. They just taste bad.**

_Why would I murder them?_

**Because they're even more annoying when you're a vampire.**

_Great._


	67. Invasion

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Youuuuuuuuu you take the breath from my throat_

**And made your heart stopped beating randomly**

_And youuuuuuu you take the cherished people that I hold_

**:( **

_It's a song, Mr. Sparkly Face_

_A very good song._

_**The song is called Invasion, by Eisley. You should check it out, as it's amazing.**_

_**REVIEW! :) **_


	68. Jack the Dickface

_Bella. _Alice.

Hey Bella, remember the time you got mad at Renee's boyfriend?

_Um nooo… tell me about it._

Well you had a broken leg and you were stuck on the couch. Jack was watching you.

_Jack the Ripper?_

No… Jack Dewitt Bukater. 

_Oh okay. Less freaked out._

Anyways… he was messing with your feet. And guess what you called him!

_Sigh. What?_

You actually called him a Dickface!

_I did? Wow. I'm impressed with myself. How old was I?_

15.

_Awww. Good times. Good times._

Do you even remember that?

_Nope you dope._


	69. The One Where Rosalie is Right

_Bella. _**Edward. **Alice.

_I've made a Christmas list!_

**It's only September!**

It's never too early to shop, though!

**You try hiding gifts from you and Emmett for four months!**

_A child (Rosalie was right… and I miss Nessie)_

_Harry Potter merch (robes, wand, ties, socks, galleons, etc…)_

_Morning Burst Surge Power Cleanser_

_Books_

_Boxed set of Friends (Seasons 1-9)_

_Camera_

**What happened to not wanting gifts from us?**

_You're my hubby and co. now. Plus, I've found new loves._

**Loves?**

_The Nanny! George Lopez! Friends! Books!_

Hhaha you're so befuddled Ed.

**Don't call me Ed.**

_Cutely befuddled, though. Look at that pout! Aww._


	70. Wait A Minute!

**Edward.**

**Wait. A child ! ?  
**


	71. Trouble Sleeping

_Bella. _**Edward.**

**Bella, what are you doing?**

_Whahuh? Oh! I'm sleeping! :)_

**Sleeping?**

_Yeah. You know, that thing that happens when you're tired and you close your eyes?_

**Vampires can't sleep, love.**

_Well I can pretend, can't I? I was doing a good job of it, too!_

**Whatever you say, love.**

I'm having trouble sleeping . . . you're jumping in my bed…

_**So that last bit is a song called Trouble Sleeping by The Perishers. It's a great song you should check it out… and REVIEW :)**_


	72. That Emo Girl

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_I have changed my mind!_

About having a kid?

_No. About my Halloween costume!_

**Sigh… what do you want to be now?**

_Claire, from The Breakfast Club! _

Ooh.

_I've got the perfect character for you, too, Alice. You can be the Emo Girl!_

I don't have dandruff! *I say this indignantly*

_But she's pretty! AND IN THE MOVIE! IT'S PRRRRFECT!_

FINE, but only because you let me plan the wedding.

_Yay!_

**Women…**


	73. Bucket o Chum

_Bella. _**Edward. **Narrative.

**Bella!**

_Yes my lovely love of loves of Sparkles?_

**I adopted a kid.**

_Yay! When is it coming?_

He's at the house.

_Ohhh lets go!_

Bella and Edward arrived at the house, and then Bella followed her nose to the smelly boy.

"Edward, he smells like dirt," she whispered to him.

He chuckled. "His name is Mica. He's six."

"Mica! Time to play!" Bella shouted into his ear.

Mica looked annoyed. "Let's play SpongeBob!"

"Alright," Bella said confusedly.

"Now eat this chum!" He pushed a bucket of chum into her face.

"You're a chum!" Bella said about to bite him out of annoyance. "Or wait… is that chump?"

"Okay Bella, play time is over," Edward said.

" But whyyyyy?" Mica whined.

"Alice needs help… let's get you back to your mom, okay?"

"You were about to eat him!" Edward shout whispered.

"I've got a solution for that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Next time get a better kid."


	74. Pixie Stix

_Bella. _Alice.

_Hey Lice! I dare you to eat 15 Pixie Stix!_

No way Jose.

_If you do we'll go shopping._

Alright. Off to the store!

_Mwahahahahaha._


	75. Lambchop and Other Odd Things

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Who's this lambchop person?I keep seeing her on Friends, and The Nanny!_

**It's this show... with a silly puppet.**

_How come I never heard of it til now?_

**Did you ever watch TV?**

_Movies. . . When Harry met Sally, St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club,The Watcher in the Woods, A Christmas Story, Sixteen Candles, Mommie Dearest, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, The Little Mermaid, and the Goonies._

**Renee let you watch Mommie Dearest?**

_Yeah... was it really a true story?_

**That's what I heard...**

_Oh... that ruins it._

**And her behaviour didn't?**

_Eh. . . Not realleh._

**Do we need to have Carlisle check to make sure your brain is working alright?**

_I think it's working better than normal, actually. I'm remembering my childhood!_

**Just don't try to relive it. You're probably actually acting out now cause you never got to as a child.**

_Who are you? Joey Tribiani pretending to be Freud/Froid?_

**Freud/Froid?**

_It should be pronounced Frood. Not Froid._


	76. Mutant Children

_Bella. _Alice.

_I wonder how Orange Jr. and Plaid Jr. are doing..._

I think Orange is currently suing a movie company for writing the movie of his uncle's life completely erroniously.

_Welll... they did say that would happen didn't they?_

Yessirreebobers.

_I wonder what Orange Bunny's brother's name was... and Plaid Grasshopper's sister's name was... and what Bunny/Grasshopper mutant children look like. Do you think they're as beautiful as Vampire/Human mutant children are?_

I think they're actually rather disgusting looking.

_I wish I had thought to have a secret affair with Edward. It sounds like fun._

You wouldn't have been able to hide it...

_But you wouldn't tell would you?_

No...

_Maybe Edward would have even taken me in a broom closet!_

Keep it G rated, Bella.

_**So this sort of alludes to this fanfic**_

_**in the Harry Potter category called **_

_**"Dirty Little Secret"**_

_**by QueenKalasin**_

_**and it's really good. If you don't get the Plaid/Orange**_

_**conversation you should read the story... **_

_**but you really don't have to. Most people in**_

_**Dirty Little Secret**_

_**don't understand it either...**_

_**And I'm sorry if I've lost my funny.**_


	77. Treeee

_Bella. _Jacob.

_Jake, I wish I was Native American like you!_

Why?

_Because then I could be like "*gasp!* Tree! How I love thee you piece of living home!"_

That's not racist at all.


	78. Moles

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Mr. Sparklyface! Have you seen this?_

**I've seen it the million times you've already played it, Bella!**

_What is THAT supposed to mean?_

**One tends to get tired of his wife oggling a seventeen year old boy. On YouTube.**

_I'm not... OGGLING._

**Yes you are, Bella.**

_Fine! I admit it! It's those moles! And that hairrrrr! And he's not seventeen... he's almost twenty-one. And he had red hairrr for a while!_

**Bella. You've been watching him since 2007. I'm starting to think you have a crush on this boy.**

_1) He lives in England... it would never work._

_2)It wouldn't be the first time a vampire had a crush on a human_

_3) He's got an accent_

_4) He's funny_

_5) He's got an accent._

**Bella?**

_Sod off. Don't get your knickers in a twist._

**Le gasp!**

**No more British stuff for you! Emmett! Confiscate her computer!**

_**So... this is about charlieissocoollike on and it's really awesome. He's cool. **_

_**You should check out his video blogs.**_

_**And btw- we've fast forwarded three years.**_


	79. Do I Have Chlamydia?

_Bella. _Emmett. **Edward. **Video

Testicles may swell... Discharge from penis...

This is great, Bellsa!

_I knowwwwww! I want an iPod... but I can't take a chlamydia test... darnit._

**Bella?**

Do I have chlamydia?

**Emmett?**

_Giggle. This is so funny._

I don't like his hair cut.

_He's a lot like charlieissocoollike._

**Charlieissocoollike?**

Well they are flatmates.

**Charlieissocoollike? Again?**

_Shut up. This is Nerimon._

You tell him Ballsa!

**That's it!**


	80. BBC

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward. **_**Jasper.**_

_Charlieissocoollike is sooo cute._

I know... don't you love his blue eyes?

_Don't you love his moles? There's like eight of them._

**Why is he now the constant topic of conversation why?**

I like how he's so funny.. and his "Understanding Teenage Boys" video.

_I like his "Why I'm Afraid of Women" video._

_But I felt really insulted when we watched him on the BBC about "How To Be English"_

I know. Rude. Americans aren't as bad as the BBC made us seem.

_Let's go to England!_

**Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Please. Love. Don't leave me!**

_**Calm, Edward. **_

**She's thinking about how cute Charlieissocoollike is!**

_**It's war!**_


	81. Queen Bella

_Bella. _**Edward. **Emmett.

_You there! Get me a cookie! You there! Get me a new sombrero! YOU! Get me a pillow!_

**What are you doing?**

_Practicing for when I enslave the human race and become Queen Bella._

**You can't even eat cookies.**

_It's the thought that counts!_

_You! Get me a cat!_

_You! Buy me a CD by The Spill Canvas!_

Yes ma'am.

_That's what I like to hear._


	82. BLOCKED YO!

_Bella._ **Edward.**

_ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

**What's wrong, love?**

_Charlie hasn't updated in two weeks!_

**Gar.**

_I'll just have to go to Hayley G. Hoover's blog. Cause she's cool._

_Hayley G. Hoover is hooverin up my heart!_

**No! I'm blocking youtube!**

_Nooooo!_


	83. LusciousLauren

**Lauren **_Jessica. _Angela.

**LusciousLauren: Guess who I saw at Thriftway the other day!**

_SexyStanley: WHO?_

**LusciousLauren: Bella Swan! I could barely tell it was her, except for her huge upper lip. She had some major plastie.**

_SexyStanley: Really? I never would have guessed her the type._

**LusciousLauren: Now she looks just like the other Cullen's, her eyes included.**

AngelicAng: She was in a boating accident on her honeymoon. 

**LusciousLauren: Righttt.**

AngelicAng: It was in the newspaper. She had to have plastic surgery or she would have had a permanantly disfigured face. Dr. Cullen made the call. They were in Hawaii. He did her surgery.

_SexyStanley: Was Edward driving the boat?_

**LusciousLauren: I it's a cover story. He probably wanted to fix her face.**

AngelicAng: They had a cheuffer. She fell out. Got hit by a cruise ship.

**LusciousLauren: Rightttt.**

AngelicAng: Whatever. Bye.


	84. I'mma Get Shanked

_Bella _**Edward **Emmett

_Watch out! He's got a nose! BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM._

DIE POTATO DIE!

_You know who's gay? You!_

Aww come on.

**Noooooo. Stop the madnessssssssssssssssss.**

_I've got a wife and kids! Daddyyyyy!_

**I thought I blocked you!**

_Doesn't mean I don't remember it._

**Gar. Stupid vampirism. I'm going to get myself shanked. Bye.**


	85. Another Death

_Bella. _Alice.

_Nooooooo!_

Olivia-Oliver's water broke!

_You broked him-her!_

My eyeeeee!

_Your eye isn't stinging! You're a vampire!_

Garrrrrr.

_Whywhywhywhywhywhy?_

Let's go bury Olivia-Oliver next to Cindy!

_Sad sigh._


	86. Edward's Freebee

_Bella. _Alice. **Edward.**

_Aliccccceeeee. I've got a secret._

Yeahhhh?

_I'm leaving Edward for Charlieissocoollike :)_

**NOOOOO! NOOOO! NOOOO!**

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YO FACE! xD_

**That wasn't funny.**

_I thought it was._

Me too.

**Well it wasn't.**

_But I wuv you Edddddwardyy Sparkly-Face!_

Awww. You gotta forgive her.

**Only if I've got a freebee with Courtney Cox like you do with Charlie.**

She'll take it!

_Freebee's are so gross!_

**Good job.**


	87. Drunk on Unlife

_Bella. _Alice. Rosalie. **Edward.**

_Let's go on a scavenger hunt! Let's find a tiara and say "Hello I'm the Queen of England" in British accents!_

You've put a lot of thought into this haven't you?

_Screw it! Why don't we just GO to London?_

Because... you'll stalk Charlie. And Alex.

_Pfft, no I won't._

Right... but I'd help you!

Carlisle just put a ban on it... meaning the credit cards won't allow it. He's scared you won't be able to handle the flight. And that you might... hurt someone... like a human.

_Pfft. NO I wouldn't._

_Cake Bosssss!_

Happy Christmas!

Can vampires get drunk, Edward?

**I'm starting to think so.**


	88. Bella's List

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Things You Shouldn't Do On Crutches_

_1. Don't stare at a hot guy for too long_

_2. Don't wave at people._

_3. Don't race someone_

_4. Don't try to untangle your iPod's earphones_

_5. Don't read a book_

_6. Don't text_

_7. Don't talk on your phone_

_8. Don't eat hot food._

_9. Don't eat food._

_10. Don't drink._

**And you've learned this from experience?**

_Yessir, Mr. Sparklyface._


	89. Edward C

Alice. _Bella. _**Edward.**

Look at me, I'm Edward C, lousy with virginity!

_He's not lousy with virginity anymore! :D_

**Dang right.**

Won't go to bed til I'm legally wed!

_Now, that is true._

I can't, I'm Edward C!

Keep your filthy paws off my silky draws! Would you try that crap with Emmett?

As for you Bella Swan! I know what you wanna do!

You got your crust, I'm no object of lust!

Bella Bella leave meh be! Keep those boobies farrrrrr from meh! Keep your cool now you're starting to drooooool!

_Hey! D:_

**Are you making fun of me, Liss?**


	90. Foursome

**Phone. **_Bella. _Alice.

**Ring ring ring.**

"Hello?"

**"Hi this is Tanya-"**

"How many times do I have to tell you that Jasper will not join your threesome? Why don't you go ask Irina?"

**"Irena is too busy grieving over Laurent. And Carmen is attached to Eleazar. And Kate... well, she's off in the Bahamas with some vamp named Garrett... what about Emmett? Are he or Rosalie available?"**

_Alice... just hang up the phone. Just do it. It's a trainwreck._

"Actually... they are. You can come by tomorrow at three."

**"Thank you so much Alice!"**

_What did you do that for?_

Well, Rosalie has been giving you a hard time about not conceiving the child Stephenie Meyer promised...

_Laughs evilly._

I'll get it on tape. Prom-proms.


	91. Hunting Heads

**Rosalie. **_Alice. _Bella. Video.

**Why did you do that?**

_Do what? *she asks innocently*_

**Tell Maria and Tanya that Emmett and I were into doing a foursome.**

_Moi?_

**Oui. You had better explain.**

_I totally would, but I'm off to England to stalk someone._

Did you get it? Did you get it?

_Of course. I am nothing if not thorough._

The writer?

_The adjective. Now do you want to see it? _

Si!

(video)

Rosalie stands in the bedroom with Emmett, preparing to take a shower.

"Oh, you went to all that work already?" Rose freezes. 

"Tanya?"

"Of course."

Rose turns around.

"What are you doing here?"

"Maria and I are here, for you and Emmett."

Rose's eyes narrow, and Tanya gives her a lascivious grin. "Come on in, Maria."

"I'm sorry, but I don't share my man with anyone. And I don't have sex with more than one other person."

"But Alice said-"

"Alice told you this?" she shrieks.

"She refused to give Jasper to us," Maria pouts.

"Well, if you don't get out of here, I'm going to rip both of your heads off!"

I am about to fall out of my seat!

_Ikr?_

So did Rosalie almost tear your head off?

_She did tear my head off. Literally._

**_AN: I know... it's pretty terrible. It turns out that when I have loads of stuff on my plate, and have less funniness happen to me, I'm not so funny if I can't use sarcasm._**


	92. Cedric RIP

_Bella. _**Edward.**

_Oh, Cedric. How I love thee!_

**What is it with you and Cedric?**

_He's my latest favourite!_

**English spelling! Bella, you need an intervention!**

_Are you trying to control me, AGAIN? We've seen therapists over this, Mr. Sparkly-face!_

**Sigh face.**

_Uh huhhhhh. I thought so!_


	93. The Root

**Edward. **Narrator. Therapist.

And Edward, how did you feel about this? The red-eyed vampire asked.

Edward's face scrunched up, as if smelling a werewolf. **I- I felt violated. My choice had been taken away.**

Do you think this is what causes you to be so controlling?

Edward glanced at his wife, and she grabbed his hand supportively.

Edward thought about it. **Yes... I think that must be it.**

The vampire accidentally broke the pen in half as she set it down on her clipboard. Darn... third one today... Anyways, I think we've made a break through, today. Come back next week, and we'll discuss your problems, Bella!


End file.
